The question is :
What can I do ? with my freaking in-genius mind ?
Careers, I lost; can I explain ? lol Trust of friendship ?, can I ? Belief of my friends which I never believe ? Hell ya, it hits me hard today...
Can I even say how and what ? really ? was being silent the choice ? or being regular the choice ? Yes I am fucked up, fucked up because of my own decision. But I did believe in someone, believe in wht life can be better. life can be something more than just what we are dreaming .
Days n Nights, I ask, do you ever think of what you did to me ? have you ever think of the decision you made to me ? when you know its my everything, and more !
can I say anything ? can I be the one before ? can I be the one having the words ? can I be the one can support an protecting my friends and family ?
I also ask if I questioning these, I pushed myself toward these, I want to know the differences, I want to feel the pain. I lost myself when I found it, I need a pal !
Regarfs
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Keeping silence and being an idiot
As everyone has read here and there about my story, my life, my devastation and so on so.
I try to go up and step up and being good of myself. Like many years, I always can go up because I never trust anyone and believe in anyone. Last time, why did I do so ? It hurts so bad. and it corrupts so much.
Imagine that I cant explain why I am now like today and why my business was a failure and why my investment is gone and go back to zero, even though many times I have strike. Anyway, it's a blog so here I let it all out:
- What about me is fine, simply because I was stupid and it was the price that I had to pay for my tuition
- About my family, we are not like before, money is not easy to earn. We are in debt and we are short in cash for production. Now we can't get bank loan since our figures aint looking good for past years due to to infrastructure. Now we are collecting and in production.
- So many, I just dont know what to say and how to say. I am doing the best I can to recovery my losses as well as helping my family with financial problem and managing the company and production.
- As if the production doesnt go through, everything else stop. And chances that we lose is high.
What can I do now ? I hope you ar happy to see my devastation, I hope you really do. You have no ideas how much shit you gave me. Grown Up and Act Your Age
I try to go up and step up and being good of myself. Like many years, I always can go up because I never trust anyone and believe in anyone. Last time, why did I do so ? It hurts so bad. and it corrupts so much.
Imagine that I cant explain why I am now like today and why my business was a failure and why my investment is gone and go back to zero, even though many times I have strike. Anyway, it's a blog so here I let it all out:
- What about me is fine, simply because I was stupid and it was the price that I had to pay for my tuition
- About my family, we are not like before, money is not easy to earn. We are in debt and we are short in cash for production. Now we can't get bank loan since our figures aint looking good for past years due to to infrastructure. Now we are collecting and in production.
- So many, I just dont know what to say and how to say. I am doing the best I can to recovery my losses as well as helping my family with financial problem and managing the company and production.
- As if the production doesnt go through, everything else stop. And chances that we lose is high.
What can I do now ? I hope you ar happy to see my devastation, I hope you really do. You have no ideas how much shit you gave me. Grown Up and Act Your Age
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Hideaway to self-reflect ?
I went away to find myself again, it's feeling great . It's feeling supper great . I feel less lost, I found little spark, little direction in life again . . .
Uhm... finding my way back in to love, findsing my way back to New York, finding my way back to my goals and dream !
Uhm... finding my way back in to love, findsing my way back to New York, finding my way back to my goals and dream !
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Sleepless
Been a while since I last wrote and whined about what's going with my life.
For past week of new year and last couple of days, it's like living on edge of uncertainty of life. Questioning on how long it would last for a life and path I chose to live now.
- Living without family, cause I rejected and took what I should not have, because I was too sure about my plan and nothing else would go wrong. I look back n forth, I felt guilty, I cant explain anything and why even she asked. I refused to answer, to meet. All I said was, I'll tell you why when I meet what I am for; for what happened, I cant explain anything now because its totally non-sense. Last couple of days of new year, she wanted to see me for something, I kepet making up excuses to mee until the day I have my private event; I texted her but she didnt answer and come. Days before that she texted and also noted, his eyes were hurt. I didnt have an urge to send an text to say get well soon. It has been 6-7months since I last saw him, I didnt come home on funeral since I was too afraid and I was so scared of what would happen. I miss him for this annoying and super smart-hard-working business man. I hope and pray him well everyday same as her. The last time, i met her, all she wanted to talk and keep asking me why, but i had no answer, she moved to tears outside . I broke a glass and cut through my palm, I tried to keep up but I cried when hearing her voice's crying. It was the deepest pain since 6-7 years ago when we both caught him's cheating. He was so angry that day and said get lost, u are not my son. Since that day, I have been trying to be the best I could, to earn back the losses, to make him and her proud as well as my brothers and sister. Until, today I am still an failure.
- I still remember, for years passed, everything up and down with me was all because I want to prove that I can do things and can make them proud. But looking back, I think the proudest moment that they ever notice was me doing the fashion show, and me being a host, and winning on US TV show. I never think those were enough. I keep trying more and more to when I am lost. I ask you, if you fall, what would you like to hear from your parents ? For me, it was '' Are you ok '' or '' How are you doing '' ? If I have children, those will be questions that I would ask not just '' Why ? Why ? n Why ? . My life or my story is tough. its so tough for me to see myself a failure - an weight on them and on friends even on anyone that I know. It was me to choose to live like this. I blame nothing else but me. But I will and will keep trying and moving forward.
- I launched out a new business to cut cost and to maintaining life. But it's not going anywhere yet, it turned me down, I am still believing so its ok. Can I ask one thing ? Is it wrong that anytime, I fail or about to lose anything and everything again, it flashes back to me about my ex. Is it wrong to say why would he do such things and dont even see a bigger picture ? or he knows how I live, how much these things important to me, why would he pull the plug ? and now I am nothing, fully devastated, living on edge daily. Cant sleep through the night because tomorrow I am afraid I would lose something.
- Seeing and Hanging out with my friends and seeing them happy. I am happy for them but it kills me here and there. I dont get why. Sometimes, it's like the more they are enjoying their life, the more miserable that I get, getting more into anti-social. I dont want to go out since I am saving. But I dont show up; they questioned and persuaded to go. I refused but sometimes, I do have to show up and smiling. I think I need to think about this again, it's getting weird and not healthy.
now i feel much better after writing and shout out , good night - good day !
For past week of new year and last couple of days, it's like living on edge of uncertainty of life. Questioning on how long it would last for a life and path I chose to live now.
- Living without family, cause I rejected and took what I should not have, because I was too sure about my plan and nothing else would go wrong. I look back n forth, I felt guilty, I cant explain anything and why even she asked. I refused to answer, to meet. All I said was, I'll tell you why when I meet what I am for; for what happened, I cant explain anything now because its totally non-sense. Last couple of days of new year, she wanted to see me for something, I kepet making up excuses to mee until the day I have my private event; I texted her but she didnt answer and come. Days before that she texted and also noted, his eyes were hurt. I didnt have an urge to send an text to say get well soon. It has been 6-7months since I last saw him, I didnt come home on funeral since I was too afraid and I was so scared of what would happen. I miss him for this annoying and super smart-hard-working business man. I hope and pray him well everyday same as her. The last time, i met her, all she wanted to talk and keep asking me why, but i had no answer, she moved to tears outside . I broke a glass and cut through my palm, I tried to keep up but I cried when hearing her voice's crying. It was the deepest pain since 6-7 years ago when we both caught him's cheating. He was so angry that day and said get lost, u are not my son. Since that day, I have been trying to be the best I could, to earn back the losses, to make him and her proud as well as my brothers and sister. Until, today I am still an failure.
- I still remember, for years passed, everything up and down with me was all because I want to prove that I can do things and can make them proud. But looking back, I think the proudest moment that they ever notice was me doing the fashion show, and me being a host, and winning on US TV show. I never think those were enough. I keep trying more and more to when I am lost. I ask you, if you fall, what would you like to hear from your parents ? For me, it was '' Are you ok '' or '' How are you doing '' ? If I have children, those will be questions that I would ask not just '' Why ? Why ? n Why ? . My life or my story is tough. its so tough for me to see myself a failure - an weight on them and on friends even on anyone that I know. It was me to choose to live like this. I blame nothing else but me. But I will and will keep trying and moving forward.
- I launched out a new business to cut cost and to maintaining life. But it's not going anywhere yet, it turned me down, I am still believing so its ok. Can I ask one thing ? Is it wrong that anytime, I fail or about to lose anything and everything again, it flashes back to me about my ex. Is it wrong to say why would he do such things and dont even see a bigger picture ? or he knows how I live, how much these things important to me, why would he pull the plug ? and now I am nothing, fully devastated, living on edge daily. Cant sleep through the night because tomorrow I am afraid I would lose something.
- Seeing and Hanging out with my friends and seeing them happy. I am happy for them but it kills me here and there. I dont get why. Sometimes, it's like the more they are enjoying their life, the more miserable that I get, getting more into anti-social. I dont want to go out since I am saving. But I dont show up; they questioned and persuaded to go. I refused but sometimes, I do have to show up and smiling. I think I need to think about this again, it's getting weird and not healthy.
now i feel much better after writing and shout out , good night - good day !
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Happy Birthday My Friend, My Little Sister
Today is my little- close-friend birthday. I wish her joy and happiness, I wish her would reconnected and happily with her family. Keep up with the smile on her face and stay strong and keep walking, yet moving forward.
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